When Suicide Is Ridiculous
“Face Your Greatest Shadow. Behind that lies your greatest
creativity.”
We can never measure or grasp or write about life in all its
entirety. Only a version of its whirling. A palm cupping the water of the river
of life. And possibly the light as it reflects in it.
There are a hundred ways to kneel and kiss the ground. And blessed
it is, indeed, to be in constant prayer. To be constantly entranced by life.
Even if it has to come from burning. From a loneliness that comes from never
settling. (Does friendster make it
easier? Only that we are not alone at being alone.)
Memory 14 years old: I’m playing guitar and looking at the
stars. I just got kicked out. My parents and brothers are mad at hell. Its
because I’m doing all this from the rooftop of my room. Not the balcony—The roof
itself. Overlooking the spiked gates. Overlooking the then vacant lot beside
us, filled with weeds and bushes and banana trees and god know what creatures
lurking underneath. Overlooking the factory behind us. With its whirling tops I
always associated with drilling. Or moving muslim temple tops. Or Voltes five
weapons.
They are mad and hysterical because they think I am
going to commit suicide. (Hello, from two stories high??) Nope. Just vandalism. Is it vandalism if you paint the
walls of your house? My folks never figured out what I wrote. One time, when
I’m bored and crazy enough, I’ll go out there and see what I spray painted
outside the walls of my room. I forgot through the frenzy of the years. What
can I say? I live in interesting times.
Writing is my suicide. And my resuscitation. Mahirap
maging tao, was thinking to myself kanina. Especially when we have desires
that contradict what we need, and we have needs that contradict what’s healthy
for us. As Al Pacino says in Devil’s Advocate: “You can look, but not touch,
touch, but don’t taste, taste, but don’t swallow.” Are we making it harder for
ourselves with all these walls and rules?
But we were born with them as we were born with our bodies.
The price of embodiment: A blessing and a curse. We are more immense than we imagine. Haay.
Want to do so many things but I can’t choose.
