Coming Out Letter on Mother’s Day
(Printed on the Inquirer Lifestyle section.–got into major trouble for it..hehe)
My mom must have
been shocked. Dad’s were supposed to
have this dilemma. She must have been scared she won’t be the only woman in her
daughter’s life. But, as I explain to my friends, my lesbianism is not caused
by any failure on her part. In fact, she has taught me to appreciate women all
the more –admiring them for their patience, their compassion, their resilience,
their diligence, and their wisdom. Not to forget their immense capacity to
love. All these traits converge in a woman who is aging so beautifully, knowing
when and how to laugh at herself and let that which does not matter truly
slide. Do all people feel their mom to be the most saintly woman they know?
Even though my
mom constantly voices out her concern about my choices: ever-fearful I would get
hurt or that I would regret them, I know, she knows, deep inside, that it’s her
self-same idealism and generosity that drives me. And that is why I cannot help
but live up to it and put in praxis. That is why I am fighting for the
right to love, the only way she taught me how –freely, bravely and in full
faith.
I wrote and gave
this letter to my mom two years ago when I came out to her as a gay and lesbian
rights advocate. As a matter of synchronicity, it happened during the eve of
mother’s day. I guess it happened to remind me to never underestimate a
mother’s capacity to love and accept her child, no matter how angry or confused
they might be at first.
The week before
the incident, I have been sneakily disguising the lesbian conference I’ve been
attending as “some human rights conference.” With this information, my mom just
gave a quizzical look. “What for?” she asked. “We’re giving you your rights,
aren’t we? Charity begins at home you know.”
In my mind,
telling them it was a “human rights” conference wasn’t really lying as it wasn’t
really far from the truth. Gay and lesbians rights, after all, are human
rights. And yet something in me wanted to be more self-revealing, and wondered
what would happen if she found out that I was really going to an
anti-discrimination conference for lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgenders.
And sure enough—as sure as ideas travel and materialize faster than the speed
of light—she snuffed out my “Lesbian Advocates Philippines” form among my stuff
with her superhuman intuition. And unlike the time she first got a hint of it
when I was twelve –unknowing and confused—I was prepared for confrontation this
time. This time, I even longed for it, now ready to stand up for a love that
dares to speak its name.
My
mom showed me the form and asked me what it meant. "Sasali ka don?"
My body grew cold as it does in preparation for conflict, like an anesthesia
before an operation. My lips moved automatically as if it couldn’t deny
anything
"Mm."
was all I could manage to mumble
"So parang proud ka pa don!" she said
angrily, no, I think more despairingly. "Oo." I told her, growing bolder.
Then she started crying, "Pinaparusahan ata
ako ng Diyos."
"Maaa,
bakit naman po?" I hugged her for a long time as she sobbed some more.
Afterwards, I gave her some space and didn’t talk to her for the rest of the
night. In the morning, I left her this letter.
May
12, 2003
Dear Ma,
Please trust
me. I know what I am doing with my life. It may take me a long time to decide
and I may do it in ways different from what others, but that is precisely what
should make you believe that I am doing it right. Because I am doing it in my
own honest to goodness way. No one else can do it for me and no one else can do
it but me. Yes, you have raised me well enough to know that. And you have loved
me so much that I cannot be anything but proud of myself. You raised me with so
much dignity that I cannot ask for anything but respect from others for who I
am –your child. Please do not say you are being punished. I know it is
difficult, it was difficult for me to accept too, but now I am nothing but
grateful and glad that this is what God made me. S/He made me uniquely who I am
for a reason and I know that my only mission in life is to be that person—the
person which S/he has both made me and that which S/he wants me to become . I
do everything towards that end. I wish you hadn’t felt all the hurt that you
endured, if there was any other way. But know that half of that hurt was not
because of me, it was because of a society that condemns and refuses to
understand. It doesn’t have to be like that. I still maintain that I am not doing
anything wrong. Being who I am and loving who I choose isn’t wrong. And this is
the basic freedom that I am fighting for. That people do not get kicked out of
school or get fired from their jobs just because they are who they are. I am
fighting for so many others to have choices—choices that will let them lead
happier lives. There are so many injustices done against lesbians throughout
history, only because they choose to live and love differently. Many were
burned at the stake during witch hunts. In the Philippines, a lot of them are
beaten up. Some fathers even have their tomboy daughters raped to
"cure" them. This is what I am fighting against. This and the fact
that you shouldn’t have gone through all that you have gone through simply
because of your fear of what society would do against me or because of the
wrong idea that society gives that lesbianity is bad. True, Ma, charity begins
at home. Trust me, I am your child. I am doing this with open eyes. This is who
I am and the only choice I have is to choose it with dignity. Hindi lalakas and
loob ko na gawin to laban sa mga kinalakihan kong paniniwala kung hindi talaga
matatag ang paninindigan ko na sigurado ako sa ginagawa ko. Inisip ko sya ng
matagal -buong buhay ko, in fact. [I wouldn’t be this brave to go against the
belief system I grew up in if I didn’t have the resolve that I’m sure about
what I’m doing. I thought about this for a long time. My whole life, in fact.]
And now that I see my choices
very clearly, I am not about to throw my life away. I wouldn’t defend this as
strongly as I am defending it right now if I wasn’t really serious. And,
believe me, if I have to work twice as hard to prove to you that I am serious
about this, I will. Even if you’ve raised us in comfort and luxury, I’m willing
to go through hardship. I’m not afraid to suffer or encounter opposition. You
see, I’ve inherited your bravery. I don’t let anyone think or speak or live for me. The only way I see living is to
live it proudly, despite all odds. I hope you, of all people, should understand
because that, precisely, is your legacy to me. For that, Ma, I am nothing but
grateful.
Happy
Mother’s Day.
